Fathers day

Yes, I am well aware it's not Fathers day anymore.  I really wasn't sure how I would feel about it this year since it's the first one since my dad died.  I didn't really get a chance to think about it until later because I woke up with vertigo and felt pretty shitty for a good chunk of the day.   It wasn't until much later when I got to thinking about dad.

He and I didn't always have the best relationship.   My father was an alcoholic that I removed from my life for a while and didn't allow back until he was sober.  I reached a point where I decided it wasn't healthy for me to have him in my life.  I just assumed he would drink himself to death.  Fortunately, he didn't, but we had a lot of bad history to get through.

All that aside, it was very difficult to see him decline and suffer for the last few years of his life.  I know there are people who judge me poorly because it was hard for me to even want to see him at the end, but that is my burden to carry.   Not theirs.  I have spent many days beating myself up over not seeing him more, and I have cried more times than I can count about it.

I do miss my dad.   Not the old man who forgot who I was, nor the drunk who tried to burn his house down a few times.  Instead I miss the man I went fishing in Montana with.   The dad who took me to concerts in central park and taught me to play darts, took me hunting and all the other things we did before alcohol nearly ruined his life.  Sure he was drinking then, but I was too young to know he was a drunk and to be honest, he was a functional member of society.

It's a long way to say I miss you dad.  It's still hard to process that I'll never talk to you again, never see you again, never anything again.  I just want to let you know that even if you weren't the best father, nor so many of the things other people say about their dad you were my dad and I love you, and want to wish you a happy fathers day.